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Marla M12 was instant-messaging me a guide to phone sex: “Practice saying things like, ‘You make me so hot’ …the basics can be extraordinarily arousing when they’re said out of context or in a different situation.” For women like me who were teens and preteens in the late 1990s and early 2000s, that “different situation” was AIM (AOL Instant Messenger).

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Today, we might not need to be secretive about learning how to have phone sex.

There seem to be no limits to the sexual explicitness we consume in music and TV and film.

“Do you remember what it felt like for a relative stranger to be like: ‘I see you’? It felt like cartwheeling down a moving walkway, going with the flow and yet still sticking the landing.

But developing a sexual identity was as difficult as choosing a screen name.

But some things are still hard to do, and maybe they’ll only get harder the more digital intermediaries pop up, giving us alternatives to face-to-face intimacy.